Well, the problem is mine -- not theirs, right? So I keep my damn mouth shut. Gee, I can be the king of keeping my mouth shut. But I must at least write those letters and then burn them. Or take them to Nevada and set them under a hydrogen bomb about to be tested. Sometimes I can be a little paranoid.

As I sat down to get all thermonuclear with my feelings, I listen to music the way they use heavy water around atomic piles before pulling out the control rods. "Sorry" by Marion LoGuidice started playing. It was the first time I'd heard it. And it was the radioactive letter I was about to type! I was on the bridge trying to get someones attention. I was running through my dreams trying to find the one who remembered me. But no, even in my dreams I'd been forgotten again. Now that feeling has a theme song.

"Sorry"

I crossed the bridge
To the highway
But I lost you there
I waved my arms
But you won't know where
And I searched the streets
I searched the woods
I searched the bottom of a well
Where all my wishes stood
And I searched the fog
And I searched the dream
But I couldn't find the one
The one who remembered me.

All the useless things
I cling to in the mists of change
And what sustains a girl
When there's nothing in her world?

Defending her rainbow
And all my honesty
And my sincerity
Became like cripples
Stumbling over me

And I started saying I'm sorry
I'm sorry all the time
I'm sorry I thought I had a the right
To demand back what was mine.

And I searched the streets...

A very dreamy George Harrison like guitar break cushions the blow of what is about to come. The honesty and sincerity have been held back. To this point it has been an emotional portrait of being forgotten. A perfect likeness, too, but the gloves come off and the letter I never meant to send is ripped opened and not read -- it explodes. And it is word for word what is in my heart and crippling my soul. This is what you've done to me -- WTF were you thinking?

And I'm sorry for saying what I think is true
And I'm sorry for asking why you do what you do
And I'm sorry for thinking you might do what you say
And I'm sorry I thought I deserve to ask anyway
And I'm sorry I take up so much room when I cry
And I'm sorry I didn't shut my mouth when you lied
And I'm sorry that here is not where I belong
And I'm sorry it took me forty years too long...

I am a woman with no more apologies
I have beaten my heart to death with these...

Damn, that is what I wanted to say. That is exactly the letter I wanted to write and never send. Damn if Marion didn't put it to heartbreaking music, too. This song will join Jill Sobule's "Somewhere in New Mexico" and the Beach Boys' "Warmth of the Sun" as songs that hold a very special place in my heart. It has the beauty of such real longing, that still sees hope somewhere and won't let that hope go -- ever. It transcends sadness to something radiant. It's just that good.

"Sorry" is on God's House
and is available at
http://www.marionsmusic.com/